The Internal Memo on Stapler Usage

TO: All Staff

FROM: Management

SUBJECT: The Proper Use of Staplers

General Guidelines

Staplers are not for personal use. They are for office business only. Please refrain from using them to attach your favorite craft project or DIY coupon to your shirt.

Please do not use the stapler as a makeshift bookmark or paperweight. We have actual tools for those purposes.

Staplers are not toys. Do not use them as a stress ball or desk toy. They are for actual work.

Prohibited Uses

Do not use the stapler to staple your coworkers' reports together. This is not a report-merging device.

Do not use the stapler as a makeshift microphone or megaphone. Your voice is not that loud.

Do not use the stapler to attach your cat to your chair. This is not a chair-attachment device.

Best Practices

To ensure proper stapler usage, please:

  1. Always hold the stapler firmly, but not too firmly.
  2. Keep your fingers on the back of the stapler, not on the staples.
  3. Do not staple your fingers.

Failure to comply with these guidelines may result in disciplinary action, including but not limited to: stapler-removal, desk-demotion, or in extreme cases, stapler-replacement-therapy.

The Internal Memo on Stapler Misuse Report Merging Techniques for the Advanced User

(Please do not staple the links.)