Techniques

The Art of Making Unnecessary Small Talk

Here are some expert-approved methods to turn even the most mundane conversations into mind-numbing, soul-crushing experiences:

1. The "How's the Weather" Trap

Ask your opponent about the weather, but only after they've just told you about it.

2. The "I'm Not a Fan of Your Taste in Decor"

Discreetly (or not-so-discreetly) critique their choice of wallpaper, artwork, or furniture.

3. The "I'm-Only-Human-Too" Defense

Adopt a tone of mock-sympathy while simultaneously making them feel like they're the only one who's ever felt anything remotely human.

4. The "I've-Heard-It-All-Already" Pretense

Act like you've heard it all before, even if you've never even heard it at all.

5. The "I'm-Only-Here-For-the-Drinks" Gambit

Make an excuse to leave, but not before making one or two "points" you feel are relevant.

Remember, with great power comes great responsibility. Use these techniques for the greater good... of awkwardness and discomfort!

Want more expert-level tips? Click here for advanced techniques.