Affected Systems

• The coffee machine in the break room, effective immediately. We're not sure when it'll be fixed.
• The Wi-Fi network, because someone's kid decided to stream cat videos on it.
• The air conditioning, because someone left their laptop running in the supply closet.
• The elevator, because we're not sure what's more important: your productivity or your dignity?

However, the following systems are still sort of working:

• The water cooler, but only on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
• The vending machine, but only if you have a coupon.
• The bathroom, but only if you bring your own toilet paper.
Solutions and Workarounds
FAQ: Frequently Asked Questions
Emergency Procedures for the Truly Panicked

Disclaimer: This is not a drill. Sort of. Kind_goals