Teleportation Machine Safety Manual

Warning: This manual is not for the faint of heart. Teleportation is not a toy, nor is it a recreational activity. If you're reading this, you're likely already in trouble.

Pre-Teleportation Checklist

Before using our teleportation machine, please ensure:

• You've read this entire manual cover-to-cover.
• You've signed and notarized the waiver on page 5.
• You're wearing the required safety harness (available at additional cost).
• You've practiced teleportation in a controlled environment (i.e., our demo room).

Emergency Procedures

In the unlikely event of an accidental teleportation:

• Stay calm. Panicking is not recommended.
• Do not attempt to re-teleport yourself. This will only make things worse.
• Call our emergency number: 1-800-TELEPORT-4U

Substance Abuse Prevention

Do not attempt to teleport with the following substances:

• Caffeine
• Cocaine
• Any other stimulant or depressant that we haven't explicitly listed.

Our lawyers have warned us about this. Don't say we didn't tell you.

Side Effects

Temporary side effects of teleportation may include:

• Disorientation
• Nausea
• Sudden and intense feelings of existential dread.

Permanent side effects are rare, but may include:

• Irreversible personality changes
• Catatonic numbness
• Sudden and inexplicable urges to watch an endless loop of cat videos.

Subpages:

For more information, see:

• Permanently Altered Personality
• What to Expect In An Emergency
• No Coffee Allowed