Procrastination Tips for the Ages

Warning: the following tips are not intended for the faint of heart or the easily motivated.

1. Binge-watch your favorite TV show on repeat for at least 3 hours straight. This will ensure you're thoroughly unproductive and entertained.
2. Create an elaborate fantasy world in your mind where you're a hero who has nothing better to do.
3. Host an imaginary dinner party for your couch and fridge. This will give you a sense of accomplishment and social validation.
4. Practice your "just five more minutes" technique for extended periods of time.
5. Invent a complex scheme to "get to the bottom" of a mysterious stain on your favorite coffee table.